Under Heaven and Earth
by ToBetasered
Summary: In spite of the Dursley's best efforts. Harry's upbringing makes for some really, really, really weird times. Going to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry can only make things worse...
1. Chapter 1

**Under Heaven and Earth**

Chapter One: **Freak**

_"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamed of in your Philosophies" Hamlet Act I Scene V_

* * *

**1981 Privet Drive**

**O**nce, in an ordinary neighborhood, in an ordinary house with an ordinary lawn, there were two ordinary adults, an ordinary man and an ordinary woman, sitting in an ordinary living room with two children, only one of whom could in any way be described as ordinary.

"Well that's just it then..." The Man, Vernon Dursley grumbled, "Don't seem right just leaving him on the doorstep without so much as a by your leave, but there's nothing for it." He sighed and looked to his wife and son, then back to the infant laying on a bundle of old clothes, staring back at him with the most unnerving green eyes.

His wife, Petunia Dursley nee Evans looked up briefly from her nursing baby boy Dudley, quietly sucking on a bottle. Her thin face was pinched with worry and fatigue, caring for two children, both infants, wouldn't be easy. Vernon had just been promoted at work, inspired by the noisy children at home to take overtime....a decision that had made things tense between the couple, never mind that it had been Petunia's insistence on keeping their newest resident, after the much more welcome Dudley.

"Vernon..." She began hesitantly.

He cut her off confidently, as if she, his wife had never sat him down after corresponding with the joker that had dropped off his nephew and said in a voice that brooked no argument; _"We will keep this child."_ And that was that.

Petunia very rarely stood up to Vernon in such a manner, preferring much to his delight, to embody the very spirit of a faithful, humble loving housewife. She had been a member of the secretary pool at his last job when they had started dating. He, a confident young salesman, courted her in a proper fashion and in less than a year had married her upon finding a job as a junior manager with Grunning's Drills and Bits Inc.

Finding out about his in-laws had been a bit of a turn, but no one was perfect. His wife was completely normal, and had given him no cause for complaint. A year and six months after their marriage young Dudley Dursley came into the world, Vernon was chuffed.

And then...

"S'not his fault that his parents got themselves blown up, he's a right looking blighter, only..." The man paused, looking at his wife significantly, "I won't tolerate any of that abnormality under my roof." He said gruffly.

"Of course not Vernon..." Petunia readily agreed, wiping a burping Dudley's chin.

"We won't have him turn out like one of _them_." The sentence was finished in a whisper, Vernon's one true brush with the unnatural, _that he was cognizant of_, had involved a large black dog, a dark corridor, and a charm that filled the air with creepy, haunting music. Suffice to say that after that he hadn't ever made a pass, no matter how innocent, at another man's wife again.

"We'll raise him right and proper," The man huffed, "And stamp out any unnatural behavior right out of him!"

Pet, his dear and loving wife, seemed doubtful as to the success of such an endeavor but faithfully parroted another 'Yes Dear'.

_

* * *

_

_At this point it should be noted that the Dursleys had every noble intention toward Young Harry Potter's welfare as they saw it. He has a helpless, homeless, orphaned boy with no one to look after him save for the Dursleys._

_If at that point, the Dursleys had taken Harry as truly one of their own, adopted him, moved him into their son's own nursery and raised the two as brothers, why Harry might just have refused his Hogwarts invitation, preferring to pursue study at Smeltings and grown up to be an accountant. Granted, giving nature vs. nurture its due, a rather unusual accountant, but an accountant none the less..._

* * *

"Right then, in you go..." Vernon sniffed, as he deposited the green-eyed child in the cupboard under the stairs.

In the darkness of the small musty space, the toddler began to become agitated by his confinement. The faint light from under the door caused strange shadows to be cast on the wall he sat facing, odd shifting forms cast by Vernon's coat and galoshes.

Suddenly a bead of white light began to form, in compliance with the young man's ardent wish, then another and another to his delight. They banished the shadows and illuminated a couple of spiders that had been crawling along the wall, startling the arachnids into stillness. Then the-

The door to the cupboard opened with a snap. Vernon stared at the back of Harry's head; not seeing the child's smile, or the source of the lights that he had noticed under the door. Mustache twitching, eyes narrowed in suspicion he slowly closed the door. Then, after hesitating a moment, walked away, already beginning to regret his decision, though not the right one, of which he was unaware.

From out of a shoe came one, and another from out of a boot, a third descended from the inside of a sleeve, while a fourth pooped out from the toddler's mouth. They circled and looped through the air, a dance of light and shadow upon the wall, _this_ was his reality now....

The Dursleys had set Harry on a path to discovering the very thing that they had hoped to keep from him, Magic...

* * *

_**A Parent's Legacy by Leigh MacKelvey**_

_dreamed cartoons, Goodnight Moon,  
frogs and snails, diaper pails,  
Little Bo Peep.  
You got bathed, lock snipped to save,  
made Daddy rave, bubbled, burped,  
nestled down with angels off to sleep ..._

You await your legacy.--

I felt glowed warmth of Heaven's  
blanket swaddle me through the night.  
Morning comes, Oh, radiant Light,  
now I know each special word  
my pen on paper I must write,  
and give to you my legacy.

* * *

**Nine Years Later…**

* * *

**"I** am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_My name... is Vernon Dursley..._

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_It has been, nine years, five months and seventeen days since... _

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_**HE**__ came..._

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_I wish that I had known back then just what it meant to take __**HIM**__ into my family, if only..._

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_By __**HIM**__, I am of course referring to He-Who-Is-Best-Left-Unnamed... _

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_It should tell you something about __**HIM **__that __**HE **__was the one who asked to be referred to as such... _

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_He did something to me...to all of us, my family life is just not the same, I..._

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_The first years were a blessing compared to what followed, there were always little things, toys that shifted when you weren't looking, things that scuttled up behind you in the dark, strange people that would greet HIM in the street...._

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_We thought being firm with the boy was the best, under the circumstances...we should have just drowned him and been done... _

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

_...oh..._

Ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma.....

A harsh breathy voice disrupted Vernon's inner monologue, as the pudgy thirty year-old's pink cheeks and ruddy complexion paled.

_Ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma..... _

Vernon paused only briefly as he brushed his teeth, inured to what was happening, only a slight tremble of his fist and a white trail of paste that marred the surface of the bathroom mirror betrayed his utter terror.

_Ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....._

Slowly, he continued, as best he could ignoring the horrific vision dressed in bloody clothes, wearing a hockey mask and carrying a massive knife.

_Ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....._

He already knew that the nightmare would be haunting his reflection for the next few days, a consequence of his thoughts treacherously straying into dangerous territoy.

_Ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....._

The phantom murderer would eventually fade away, leaving Vernon drained and with an aversion of mirrors.

"_Oh, Please..."_

The man twitched violently, had he been shaving like the last time this had happened to Vernon the breathy whisper at the back of his neck would have would have resulted in copious amounts of blood being shed.

_"Oh, Pleeeease..."_

Usually Pet was the one being followed around by the disembodied voices, pleading, begging, promising unimaginable things...

_"Oh, Please...Let me ouut"_

Becoming a little wild eyed he rushed his morning rituals as much as decency allowed and hurried downstairs. He met with a harried wife preparing breakfast, and with dawning horror noted the HE was not at the table.

_"Oh, Pleease..."_

"Go wake him up Vern..." Petunia said without looking at him.

Deliberately misunderstanding her, he simply nodded, "Yes Dear!" and tried to head back up the stairs.

"Not Duddykins, Vernon..." She said crisply, with the air of a nurse saying, _'We'll just have to amputate, sorry.' _

"Duddykins is resting after that sleep over party at the Polkiss house in case you've forgotten, wake HIM up." Petunia snapped, brooking no argument and hoping that her husband did not realize that she had long ago been finished cooking and was merely waiting for him to come down the stairs and be the one to awaken that freakish- Ki, ki, ki- darling child from his slumber.

_Needless to say, there was something odd about Number 4, Privet Drive._

Upstairs in the second largest bedroom of the house, another darling child was having problems of his own.

Dudley Dursley had always had the best of everything within his parent's means. Every need, every want was granted, sometimes without even having to vocalize a request, and no matter how unreasonable the demand, a little tearful crying went a long way…

Originally, he hadn't spent much thought upon his freak of a cousin, past experiences as a guide, the weird little boy that was his cousin barely even registered as a proper bunching bag. Apathetic to Dudleys taunt's about the boy's _'good-fer-nuthin drunken parents'_ there just wasn't any satisfaction to be derived from it, and Dudley always seem to get turned around somehow, whenever taunts strayed to physical blows…

All that had changed on the Day-That-Was-Best-Left-Unmentioned, or in Dudley mind, the day that his cousin's sanity pulled a stunt from Mission Improbable, opened an airplane hatch at 3,000 meters, stripped naked and leapt howling into the wind without a parachute.

Of course the Dursley's and Dudley in particular could attest that Harry hadn't gone completely starkers, they very much doubted that they would have survived the Day-That-Was-Best-Left-Unmentioned otherwise, but still…

The problem was that Big D was very much the top dog in the neighborhood, a position enforced by throwing his weight around, an effort of dubious success considering that that Dudley at the age of ten, outweighed his mother by three stone and was the general size and shape of a baby manatee. However; as an equal opportunity bully young Dudley was inevitably required to confront his cousin…

**Dudley- Age 2**

Fweek! Gyhahaha! The toddler Dudley pounded a rattle against a two year-old Harry's skull. The green-eyed child was trying to color in one of Dudley's discarded color books when a harsh blow from the rattle jarred his hand.

_-Snap- -Crack!-_

Wahhhhhhh!

Petunia found him hanging from the chandelier. Henceforth Dudley gained a fear of heights.

**Dudley- Age 3**

Fweeky! Gyhahahaha! The toddler Dudley pounded a rubber mallet against a three year-old Harry's skull, making the most delightful squeaking noise. The green-eyed child was trying to play with a worn out old washer, The Dursleys had given the gift, half in the hope that he would choke to death, Irritated green eyes focused on the other boy when a harsh blow sent the washer spinning away, lost.

_-Snap- -Ker-crack!-_

Wahhhhhh

Vernon came into the living room only to discover that his son needed to be potty-trained all over again, having somehow forgotten…

**Dudley- Age 5**

Uninterested in the Paper Marché doll filled with candy, Dudley, his best bud Piers and most of his gang had given chase after his more nimble cousin. Cornering the boy in an alley Dudley suddenly realized that they'd given the rest of his friends the slip. And that he, Piers and Harry were now alone…

_-Snap- -Crack!-_

_Hsssss!_

Baleful yellow eyes glared at the pair of boys then another pair opened to their left, then another…  
Piers laughed nervously, "C'mon Big D, It's just a cat…"

_Kneazle actually…_

"Y-yeah…" Dudley replied, uneasily eyeing his cousin, standing in the shadow of the alley, absentmindedly stroking the tail of a housecat.

_The size of a baby tiger…_

Another pair of glowing eyes focused on them, this time the milky, sky-blue of an older female Kneazle, the unpleasant presence of the two boys who thought smacking dumb animals, and Harry, with a stick was fun; riled up the elder feline.

_And more eyes appeared and more…_

Batty Ratty Figg couldn't possibly have this many cats….

"Umm," Dudley, felling a faint sense of déjà vu, not that he knew what that was, decided that discretion was the better part of valor and slowly backed away from the writhing mass of felines.

_…And the unblinking gaze of harsh green eyes…_

"But!" His, friend Piers protested, only to trail off as-

"Yyyoooorrrrllll!!!"

"Waaaaggghhhh!!!"

_Dudley would forevermore have an aversion to cats…_

Of course, that had not been the end of it, or even the worst, that dubious honor was tied to the fact that Auntie Marge would never again willingly step into her brother's house and the slight discoloration in the drawing-room floor….

Dudley shuddered….

He of course had never truly been harmed by his cousin, only lost bits of memory, hair, teeth and skin… Normally he wouldn't go near the Fre-- weirdo, if he could help it, but Big D needed to be the top dawg, and that meant that once a month he would have to, in a public with lots of witnesses to avoid immediate retaliation, pick on his cousin.

This was why, on the 25th of June Dudley lay in bed, doing his utmost best to pretend, that the bogey-man didn't exist and wasn't hiding under his bed, just waiting for him to fall asleep so it could nibble on his toes. His Dad of course had gamely reassured him that there was no such thing, even going so far as to bemusedly look under the bed and into the closet, before saying, 'That's nonsense Champ, see! Nothing's there."

_It would have helped if his father's face hadn't been so wooden…_

"**I want my baby back, baby back, baby back; I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. Baby back ribs, baby back ribs….C'mon you fat sack o'blubber, get down off that bed!" **_**–Thump- -Thump-**_** "I'mae gonna slather you in ranch dressing and honey! Sweet thing! Plump butt! Get in my belly!"  
**  
...And if Vernon hadn't been speaking over the voice of an apparently Scottish Bogey-man….

"Oh Please let me out, oh pleaseee…"

…And whatever the heck was in the closet.

Dudley slept in on Saturdays…

Meanwhile Vernon was approaching a dreaded door, under the stairs…

_"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."_

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

"I am not afraid of a ten year-old boy."

He almost believed it…

* * *

"We don't tell children stories to teach them that there are dragons. Children know there are dragons; they meet them every day. We tell children stories to teach them that dragons can be slain."

**G.K. Chesterton**

* * *

**V**_ernon Dursley once, though he would never admit it, in his youth while attending Uni attempted to experience a bit of culture. There was a bird involved, of course this was before his darling Pet, and he quite wanted to impress her..._

In the end Vernon wound up in a museum stoned out of his mind staring at a painting done by some chap called Pavo Picadillo....or was it Vindent Vonago?

It was a landscape of a cityscape filled with people going about their business, a young man courting a damsel at her window, a clown entertaining a flock of children, a market place with a murder of crows on the wire washing lines looking on longingly at the produce while venders hawked their wares to pedestrians as a patrician in a carriage drawn by magnificent black horses rolled by.

It was a master piece, a thing of beauty in the sheer volume of detail and subtle nuance that drew the eye along its lines and painted features one after another, telling a story, a tale of life in Venico.

The problem for Vernon was that there seemed too much detail for just a small piece of canvas, barely larger than his head. To save space, the entire scene had been pinched and warped and twisted into a spiral. It held an unnatural depth, and in spite of the oddity of presentation retained a touch of realism while being utterly impossible.

It was as if someone had proven that the shortest path between two points in Euclidean space was not a straight line but a spiral. That up was down, that left was really right and that tomorrow had actually been yesterday...

As he felt himself slowly beginning to go insane, Vernon was only just able to break eye contact and stagger away, almost certain that those perfectly painted figures had been moving.

He swore from then on that he would henceforth be a bastion of the right and proper way, shunning the unnaturalness of the world that might seek to endeavor that cause and effect not make sense.

He made it out of the magical wing of the British Royal Museum minutes ahead of the first obliviator....

Years later, staring at the swirling mass of stars, space and time,_ never mind how he could even see_ _**time**__, that occupied the place that was supposed to be young Harry's sleeping chamber; Vernon felt a strange niggling that this was all too familiar...._

**

* * *

**

**What Really happened...**

_**Vernon Dursley, 1972**_

"Wow, just, wow! So magic is real? This is so groovy baby! Just smashing! Fantastic! Bet you got the best kind of weed don't ya -snirk- Ma an Sis 'r not going to believe th-"

_"Obliviate!"_

"Whuh...?"

"Mr. Dursley, I know you must be confused, but listen to me. It seems that you've had a bad reaction to some psychotropic drugs and ended up staring at some paintings by Picadillo and Vonago while you were high. There is no such thing as magic and what you saw was just a bad dream. You will no longer do drugs and seek to become an ordinary upstanding member of society, working hard to seek out employment as a manufacturer of...of... drills, seeking a good salary and future promotion for you and whatever family you might one day have."

"Huh....?"

"Do you understand me, Mr. Dursley? Ther's no such thing as Magic."

"Huhwaz… magic…? O-Of course there isn't you freak! Get away from me weirdo, I'm not buying whatever you're selling! Screw this, Pomona Sprout's not worth a bad acid trip..."

.............

...

"Think I overdid it, Bode?"

"...Drills...You're an asshole Crouch, a right sodding bugger..."

* * *

**Present Day**

* * *

Vernon stood before the closed door, his wife peering from a safe distance around the corner. He breathed in, girded his loins and...

"Right..."

He tugged open the door again and yelled "BOY!"

**"ROOOOooaaaaaAAAAAARRRRR...!!"**

"Slam!"

A tentacle was in the way.

"Slam!"

**"SCRREEEEEEEEEE!!!"**

Whatever was on the other side retracted the appendage.

He just managed to lock the door from outside when.

**"BOOOM!"**

The hallway shook as the cupboard door bulged, it's outline glowing then...

nothing...

Vernon looked at Petunia, white-faced and trembling; He smacked his lips and said, "I'm going to get ready for work."

"But its Saturday!" his wife sputtered.

"This is a Leap Year, Pet, we have an extra workday to make up for it, it's called Strooblefast."

"What-"

"Hm- time to get ready!" And with that, he made a dash for the stairs, moving faster than a man his age and weight had a right to.

The thumping of feet was answered by the creaking of a door. A shock of dark, unruly hair topping the face of a young boy peeked out and glared in irritation.

"What's this entire racket about, Aunt Petunia?"

* * *

**A.N. Read and Review TTFN**


	2. Chapter 2

**Under Heaven and Earth**

**Chapter Two: An Ordinary day...**

* * *

_"It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination."_ -**The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy**

* * *

**O**n occasion in a youngster's life there comes a time where the painful suspicion is aroused that there's a secret that the adults know which the children are not privy to.

Such a premonition would only have been taken seriously by a child so paranoid or flighty that adults would say, "Tut, tut…that there child is _**touched**_"

This was a description that fitted Harry to a _Tee_.

Being a clever child he read between the lines, _'There is no such thing as magic!'_ became _'I deny the existence of magic!'_. An ordinary child, especially one in young Harry's situation would have been long ago cowed and prepared to cede the point but there were two factors that prevented Harry from doing so.

First; was the fact that Harry _wasn't exactly_ **ordinary** by any stretch of the word and though in lieu of evidence to the contrary he accepted the label **Freak **with equanimity, it did tend to go against the grain of established doctrine, much like Galileo and the Catholic Church.

Second; was the sad fact that no matter how much one says a thing, it _does not make it true_. The world is not _always_ fair, good prevails only _some_ of the time, the Dursleys, horrid though they were- _were not_, in truth the _absolute_ worst type of muggle.

Apples, dates, pears, peaches and other assorted fruit fell from trees long before Newton's oldest ancestor. The Earth still fell toward the Sun as the Moon fell away from the Earth and the Solar system continued on hurtling through space around the super massive black hole at the galactic centre moving at a blinding pace of 13,200 kilometers an hour.

Time is relative, has always been, _sorta_……maybe…kinda…depends on how fast you're moving…

A wise man once said that the only thing that anyone can truly know; is that given the scale of the universe, we know so little as to actually know nothing at all…

So Harry with nothing better to do, locked away in a closet as he was for hours on end, had naught but his not-magic and his own thoughts…and spiders.

Gravity, weak nuclear forces, strong nuclear forces, electromagnetism, _**Supersymetry.**_

Add to that, the Demiurgos, that external unbalanced force that unzipped creation, that selfish act that despoiled perfection and cast the stars upon the firmament of space-time.

Love doesn't make the world go round, it unfolds space, transcends time, it drives the expansion and eventual end/creation of the Universe. It always has.

It probably says something shabby about the human race that the first human to figure this out, and find actual proof, was using a circa 1939 army cot for a crib, in a cupboard, under the stairs._ And he liked it._

The Dursleys wouldn't realize the depth of their folly until one summer when Harry was seven, Majorie Dursley thought it fitting for her darling Ripper to chase the boy around the house as exercise, the child somehow found his way down the tree and inside the house, much to Petunia's shrill dismay, then when cornered in the living room, young Harry...

_**Freaked.**_

Marge was gone soon after…

The wards caught the Obliviators at the door…

* * *

_**The two smartly dressed men, in bowl hats and sharp suits looked idly at the departing cabby.**_

"Doyle?"

"Yes, Finch?"

"Does it seem like we forgot something?"

"…Did we decide to play the obliviation game again?"

"…I can't remember…"

* * *

**Years Later**

* * *

**D**udley's birthday was coming up and Harry wanted to do something special…

_"Oh I'm Iris Wyldethyme. -Wooooweeeewoooo woowoowee…."_

The Dursleys normally had little traffic in the unnatural, which extended to unnatural television shows, still while _**Iris and the Celestial Omnibus**_ was a little iffy, Dudley loved it and Vernon was mollified that the main character was a firm proponent of the non-existence of magic, as all oddities could be quite simply explained as the macro-scale propagation of quantum-level events, _Magic_.

They were quite enjoying their show as Ms. Wyldethyme dealt with the mildly amusing guest star who played The Doctor when... _reality unzipped_, the telly went on the fritz, and Petunia's hair stood on end, literally.

Harry stepped out of the irregularly active, traversable Lorentzian Morris-Thorne wormhole, carrying a single white lily, a small wooden coffin and an early present for his cousin.

His aunt got the lily, Vernon got the other half of Ripper's remains and a quiet apology, Dudley got the only version in existence, in their reality at least, of an autographed first edition of _**Things that go 'bump' in the Night**_ by Rudyard Kipling.

_Sadly it would go unread._

After a moment of silence, Harry rolled his eyes and sighed. "This is actually a figment of your imagination,"

Vernon looked confused. _A horrid expression best described as attempting to fit a square pig into a round crow_

"It was the bad tuna." His nephew explained.

"Lousy fishmonger!" The man bellowed, his wife slumped and slid bonelessly to the floor while Dudley wondered what on earth he would do with a book, _after finally recognizing what it was_...probably throw it at someone...

"Thank Goodness…" Petunia whimpered.

* * *

_There once was a Man who was not there, He was not there yesterday, he was not there today…Oh how I wish he would go away…_

* * *

**The Next Day…**

* * *

**A**nd it all started so well...

"Wahhh! (hic) Waaaahhh!! I don't wan'im to come! Waahhhh!" Wailed Dudley, who cried fat crocodile tears before a flustered Petunia and smirked at an impassive Harry from behind his mother's skirt.

It was a big day for Duddykins, according to Vernon, the young tyke had finally after many years of unhealthy eating habits crossed one hundred kilos on the bathroom scale. Incidentally he was now also eleven.

The Dursley family had planned to celebrate the day with a visit to the zoo with the young Polkiss boy in tow. Harry was to be left behind at Mrs. Figg's.

Unfortunately, for Harry who rather liked cats, and the Dursleys who didn't want to ruin their day by having Harry present for the excursion, it seemed that Mrs. Figg had had a mite of a tumble down the stairs over one of her cats.

Mr. Tibbles was fine, Arabella had a sprained ankle.

The Dursleys had little warning of this and as such were unable to secure another of the neighbors to watch over the young lad, _They might have had an easier time of it if Petunia hadn't spread around rumors of Harry's supposed A&B charges and B&E exploits at the tender age of five. My, but they do start early these young bucks…_

Suddenly realizing that portraying their nephew as a depraved psychopath and budding career criminal, held a deleterious effect upon attracting babysitters who weren't a senile old cat-lady, the Dursleys were in a quandary. _Quite a pickle, being seen with the HIM in public tended to draw out the weirdos in droves, yet Petunia would not under any circumstances trust Harry unsupervised alone in the house._

Harry, he who preferred to remain unnamed, knew with a glance what was bothering his guardians. For the last three minutes Vernon and Petunia had been switching their gazes between an innocuous spot on the living room floor and the doorway leading out of the drawing room and into the hall where his cupboard was next to the entryway.

_"Oh, Really…"_

Years ago in a fit of panic, Harry had caused the living room to be host to one of the most wondrous phenomena of the universe, a wormhole. Wizards of course had been toying with the fabric of time and space since people were still killing each other with pointed sticks. As was human nature the first such use of this knowledge was to kill in the most horribly gruesome manner, fortunately they had found little use for such things as a pointed stick worked just as well for killing with far less gore, especially when someone had the bright idea to make that pretty green light shoot out.

That said, cornered by the two year old pitbull Harry had wanted nothing more than for the dreadful beast to just _go away_ poor Ripper might actually have survived had Majorie not broken the boy's concentration when she screamed and beaned him on the head with her purse.

The end result was something akin to the often brutal displays of supposedly civilized 'Big Game' hunters and 'Noble' wizards…only mounted out of the floor. The hind end of Ripper had actually been spat out of a rather queasy looking trunk made from sapient pearwood, to the delight of a rather hungry troll and the relief of a rather equally tasty wizard half a multiverse away.

Of the top half…well you can get the carpet out of the dog, but not the dog out of the carpet, it seemed that a micro-molecular strip of ol' Rip had become a permanent fixture of the floor hence the discoloration of the new rug, a discovery that had Petunia screaming for hours._ After all, wouldn't you be put out by a circular patch of living flesh that kept peeing on the carpet?_

So no, Harry wasn't allowed home alone…It was bad for Petunia's sanity.

"There's only thirty presents." Dudley remarked slowly, sulky at being ignored. "I had thirty-one last year"

At that Harry saw his cousin in a new light, he hadn't known the boy-whale could count past ten.

""But they're so much bigger this year…" Petunia added nervously seeing the signs of an impending tantrum.

"Waaahhh, waaahhhh, waagghhhh!!"

_Maybe not so __**impending**_

In the end the matter had been cleared up by Piers showing up, forcing Dudley to 'Man Up' in front his posse. The five had gotten in the car and were on their way for a day at the zoo. The adult Dursleys were as grim as a funeral procession and Piers was squashing Harry, but all in all it was a bright and happy day.

What could go wrong?

* * *

_There once was a woman from Niger who went for a ride on a Bengal tiger; she left with a smile though after a while, the smile, was on the face of the tiger…_

* * *

**W**hat could go wrong?

Really, was he _serious_, _'What could go wrong?'_ He should have known better…

It had actually been a blast, if he closed his eyes and ignored Petunia's shrill voice cooing over Dudley, Harry could even imagine what it was like to have a birthday party of all his own. He'd gotten to eat a whole packet of crisps when the Dursleys weren't looking and Vernon had been forced to buy him a single scoop when the nice ice-cream lady had begun looking at him oddly.

_A child in ill-fitting clothes that looked on forlornly as his better dressed cousin and the lad's friend gorged on their second helping of super-extra-triple fudge chocolate sundae, no they weren't the absolute worst type of muggle but in some ways failed as human beings, some children were unloved a simple fact, "What would you like my dear?" She asked, eyes bright and trying not to see the way Petunia's lips twisted into a scowl or the less than subtle glance toward the red-faced man and his own curt, reluctant nod. _

She gave him a double scoop, and then Harry got to finish off Dudley's third sundae when the boy predictably ate himself sick.

Already having a vivid imagination and a truly prodigious propensity for accidental magic, add sugar to the mix…

He'd felt sorry for the snake, locked in captivity behind a clear window with the sign, 'Do not Touch, Do not Knock on the Glass', and to make matters worse.

-thunk, thunk- "Stupid snake, do something! Daddy make it do something!"

Vernon, _knocked on the __**sign**_, -**_Thunk. Thunk_**- the snake just lay there.

Disappointed, Dudley moved on to the crocodile display…

"Sorry 'bout that." Harry sighed.

The python _winked_.

"Must be dreadful living in a cage?"

The serpent bobbed its head.

"I wonder where you're from."

A slender tail pointed to a sign next to the window, it was an information page.

"Oh, South America, Brazil, was it nice?"

The reptile gave the equivalent of a shrug and pointed again at a specific part of the page that read, '**Raised in** **Captivity**'.

A lump filled Harry's throat, he knew what that was like and suddenly wanted to help. Miss Washu had been teaching him to control the emergence of his quantum tunnels, a bit of intent and…

Piers' loud shout startled him out of his musing, "Hey Dudley, come watch, the snake is acting weird, Harry is _talking _to it!"

Distracted by Piers and bowled over by an excited Dudley who rushed to the glass and pressed his cheek against it on tip-toes, Harry's only thought aside from finding a way to send the poor captive animal home was an image of Dudley's hind end mounted in the reptile display.

_"Oh, no!"_

-Snap!Crack!-

The window was gone, and Dudley overbalanced, tumbling into the water and coming to rest beside the cool scales of a sinuous serpentine body…Somewhere in South America, in the depths of the Amazon jungle.

_"Thanksss, Amigo!"_

Waaaaagggghhh!!!

* * *

**Interlude #1**

* * *

Pweek...pweek...pweek..!

Yyyyyooooowwwwrrrrllllllll!!!!

RROoooaaaaaoOAAAAArrrRRRR!!

O-OOHH-O-OOOhhh!!

"I want my MOMMY!"

ROOOOOAAAAARRR!!!

"Waaggghhh!"

--

_**C**onsider a moment, this, the first use of a tool. Human Progenitor A henceforth called Nod was trying to crack open a difficult nut. Human Progenitor B henceforth called Ogg watched as Nod pounded away at the nut with his fist. Unfortunately Ogg knew from experience that one's fist was not nearly hard enough to crack such a nut, at least, not without considerable pain...._

Suddenly, a momentous occasion in the journey of humanity came upon Ogg and Nod, for what should Ogg spy in the distance but a fist-sized rock!

Carefully, consideringly, Ogg approached. He hefted the rock, rolled, licked it and grimaced, sniffed it before squeezing it firmly in one hand with a smile, Eureka!

Then Ogg strode over to Nod and bashed the bloke's head in for stealing his nuts!

Yet as Nod's skull fractured and pink bits began to escape, Ogg had an epiphany!

'It's a good thing I thought of this first!' He realised, and then, 'Hmm, Nod's head smashed open like a cracked-'

'oooooohh!'

* * *

**Interlude #1 End**

* * *

_It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated. For instance, at the very moment that Arthur Dent said "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel," a freak wormhole opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum and carried his words far far back in time across almost infinite reaches of space to a distant Galaxy where strange and warlike beings were poised on the brink of frightful interstellar battle. The two opposing leaders, resplendent in their black jewelled battle shorts, were meeting for the last time, when, a dreadful silence fell, and, at that very moment, the words, "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel" drifted across the conference table. Unfortunately, in their native tongue, this was the most appalling insult imaginable, so the two opposing battle fleets decided to settle their few remaining differences in order to launch a joint attack on our galaxy, now positively identified as the source of the offending remark. For thousands of years the mighty starships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the planet Earth - where, due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog. Those who study the complex interplay of cause and effect in the history of the Universe say that this sort of thing is going on all the time._

-**Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on Cause and Effect**

* * *

**T**o wit, to wonder, the workings of the multiverse of infinite splendor...and horror. Let us examine the phenomenon known as causality.

**Cause:** The glass in twelve displays of the Reptile Exhibit at the Gatwickham Zoo suddenly and mysteriously vanish. A further eight displays in the Avian Exhibit and two in the Large Predatators Section are also likewise affected, _fortunately the Ligers were already fed or who knows what might have happened...._

**Effect:** Pandemonium...and several lawsuits.

**Cause:** Petunia loses sight of dear Duddykins for more that ten minutes in the confusion.

**Effect:** Her screams startle Vernon out of his wuthering germumblies.

**Cause:** While concentrating on sending his python friend to the Amazon by bending the laws of space and time. Piers Polkiss breaks Harry's concentration with a shout, and Dudley Dursley shatters it completely by barreling into his smaller cousin, knocking him on his bum and causing a magical surge.

**Effect:** When the excess energies threaten to obliterate everything within three square kilometers of Harry's position, by some heretofore unknown mechanism Harry instinctively bled off the building power into less destructive forms, such as an additional superstring harmonic, resonating with the subatomic particles of the glass within the affected diaplays...sending them to Pluto. The micro-wormhole then expands to encompass not only the snake, but Dudly who had been heavily leaning on the now vanished glass.

**Cause:** A team of Obliviators arrive at the zoo.

**Effect:** Piers, who saw everything, grows up to one day become England's finest Haberdasher.

_Incidentally, one pane of glass would remain intact until discovered by miners in 2645 C.E. only to be dismissed as a prank._

It should also be noted that quantum tunnels are a species of phenomena that can link disparate points in space and time. Space and TIME...

So while Harry was suprisingly spot on in terms of _**WHERE**_ he sent the snake and his cousin, he unfortunately slightly fudged, _pun intended_, on the _**WHEN**_

* * *

**1.5 Million Years Ago**

* * *

**W**aaaggghhh!!!

Dudley, wanted to go home, he really, really wanted to go home!

"Ug, ug? Ugug g!" Ogg wanted Dudley to sit still, he really really wanted to play with his Rock.

"Huff, huff, look mister, I'll show you something cool..." Dudley stammered having run out of breath. "Huff...I-if...-wheeze- you, Huff...stop chasing me."

Ogg hefted Rock consideringly, Squealing-One had made it a full five steps away before tumbling onto his back and gibbering. As far as chases went it was rather anti-climactic. "Ug!"

-**Thump!**-

"Waaaagggghhh!!!" And Squealing-One was up and away...limping like a lame duck.

Dudley rummaged around in a pocket before picking out an object that he had once knicked from the teacher's lounge at school.

-_flick_-

Ogg paused and looked at the shiny, and the glowing orange thingy that came from the shiny,

It was a bic lighter, neon pink, used by Dudley for tormenting spiders and pretending to smoke cigars. One part peace-offering, one part distraction.

Ogg reached out- and burned his hand!

"UG!" He exclaimed.

Seconds before Rock nestled in Dudley's skull, a swirling vortex opened under him and the young lad tumbled out, just in time to see his past/future self tumble into the first quantum drainpipe.

For a second he looked thoughtful, an action that exercised several facial muscles many of which had atrophied from disuse. A a result of the pain, Dudley resolved never to think too hard ever again.

Cause and Effect, Ogg's Rock would smash the bic lighter, spilling the contents and starting a mild bonfire. This event would lead to Ogg surviving the various predators lurking about in the darkness and the idea of stone/bash/fire/kill would lead to Ogg living to the ripe old age of nineteen.

His descendants would, have wider hips and shoulders, they would migrate, gaining a layer of protective fat, allowing them to cross the land bridge back into Eurasia. They would gain a stiff upper lip, a proud jowl, a curly crown of hair and beady black eyes...

Vernon clapped a hand on a suddenly nervous looking Dudley, jowls quivering, mustache twitching, beady eyes glittering. "There you are mite, had a bit of a spill have you? Lets go home and eat some cake. You too Boy!"

Harry would go home and be locked in the cupboard, not fed any cake. His relatives had of course deduced Harry's involvement and promptly installed dead-bolts and chains over the cupboard door once he was safely inside and presumably asleep.

It was a mean-spirited, short-sighted and incredibly stupid measure that the Dursleys would congratulate themselves upon, not knowing that Harry was currently visiting at another universe and couldn't care less about the letters for him that had begun to arrive.

Imagine his surprise when some weeks later after celebrating his own birthday in style, Harry would arrive back in his cupboard only to find it locked on the outside, mere seconds before a positive giant of a man ripped it off its hinges; bolts, locks, chains and all...

* * *

**AN: Like it? Good Bad? Read and Review :) TTFN**


	3. Chapter 3

**Interlude #2**

* * *

_**Dolphins**__:[singing] So long, and thanks for all the fish / So sad that it should come to this / We tried to warn you all, but, oh, dear / You may not share our intellect / Which might explain your disrespect / For all the natural wonders that grow around you / So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish! The world's about to be destroyed / There's no point getting all annoyed / Lie back and let the planet dissolve around you / Despite those nets of tuna fleets / We thought that most of you were sweet / Especially tiny tots and your pregnant women / So long, so long, so long, so long, so long! So long, so long, so long, so long, so long! So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish!/ If I had just one last wish / I would like a tasty fish!/If we could just change one thing / We would all have learnt to sing!/Come one and all / Man and mammal / Side by side / In life's great gene pool!/ So long, so long, so long, so long, so long / So long, so long, so long, so long / So long, so long and thanks for all the fish!_

-**Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy**

* * *

**W**ahsu reviewed the last few days of data upload from Curly, Larry, Moe and Shemp; the holo-mechanical terrors that she'd sicc'ed on the Dursley's the first time that she'd reluctantly sent the boy back to the reality where he belonged.

As one of the three ultimate goddesses of creation and the elder goddess most associated with wisdom; she had instinctively known, even in her currently limited form, the importance of that child. In much the same way that Tsunami had indelibly marked Tenchi, young Harry bore Washu's own marking, to a degree only slightly less than little Ryoko.

Now if only she could remember why that was...

She could, of course, open herself to the universe and ascend past the eleventh dimensional boundary, instantly incorporating the knowledge of what she'd been up to across the infinite multiverse, but it wasn't as if she couldn't figure things out from here, like reading a good book, sometimes it was the journey that was important.

Humming, the Greatest Scientific Genius in the Universe looked at her Washu-chan Pan-Dimensional Viewer (TM) and smiled at the sight there-in. To spice things up she entered a few commands into the transcendental, holographic emitters stationed within the Dursley household. _This would be fun._

Ever since Harry had managed to bypass her dimensional shielding and tumble into her lab; Wahsu had grown to be quite taken with her cute little guinea pi-charge. Finding that he had a naturally inquisitive mind and attentive personality due to long neglect by the Durlsey's had caused her to take an active interest in his education, perhaps more so than was prudent, but really, it just made sense teaching the basics of transcendental physics and unified field theory to someone who truly appreciated her genius and did not, unlike Kagato, intend to seal her away in one of her own inventions.

It felt good being a teacher again and gratifying to see that her teachings were not abused... by anyone other than herself.

* * *

**T**o be clear, Vernon Dursley was _not_ a stupid man. He just had the bad habit of saying inadvisable things in delicate situations, usually relating to magic. First was when he insulted Albus Dumbledore in front of Hagrid.

"I won't care what that old coot says he's not goi-Eeee!"

Harry never would have believed that a pink umbrella could be so threatening, but he supposed a fluffy blue towel or just about anything would do the job if wielded in the massive fist of Hogwart's Keeper of Keys and Grounds.

**"DINNAE INSULT DUMBLEDORE!!!"**

_'OooooHHH the neighbors certainly heard that!'_ Harry thought.

Petunia, perhaps having the same idea, cringed and edged toward the curtains. _"Vernon..."_ She hissed plaintively.

Misunderstanding, his wife's unspoken entreaty to stop provoking the strange interloper, Vernon Dursley said the second most inadvisable thing that could be said to the one who had just discovered you were keeping his favorite child celebrity under lock and key in a dank, smelly cupboard under the stairs.

"Who the Hell do you Think YOU ARE!" Mr. Dursley bellowed.

Harry wasn't quite clear on what happened next. Either the universe shrank, or Hagrid expanded. Swinging the pink umbrella over his head, Hagrid struck a pose. The tip of the umbrella punched a hole in the bottle-blue ceiling and caused spiraling cracks to radiate out from where it had broken through the plaster.

"Who am I?" Hagrid said with gathering heat.

**"WHO...AM...I?!"** He reiterated with growing fervor, bushy brows bushing together.

_**"WHO, THE HELL DO YE THINK I AM?!!"**_ Even Harry had to take a step back.

Then it just got plain weird...

_**"MY DRILL SHALL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!!"**_

_huh..._

Dudley, having absconded with Harry's chocolate birthday cake courtesy of Hagrid, goggled and let slip from his mouth a full quarter of the treat that he'd been gorging on as his gaping maw fell open in shock. "L-lagann..." He whispered weakly, as the half-chewed mess of squashed cake and melted frosting fell to the floor with a disgustingly wet -splat-

Embarrassed, and annoyed, Hagrid's rage boiled over upon seeing the Dursley's fat son.

"DA' CAKE WEREN'T FOR THE LIKES O' YE!!!"

The umbrella swung down in a cloud of plaster...

-BZZZT-

"Waaaaaaggghhh!!!"

Harry paled, _Dudley was now even more of a pig than before!_

* * *

**Interlude #2 End**

* * *

**Under Heaven and Earth**

**Chapter Three: We're off to see the Wizard...**

_  
"Then you should say what you mean," the March Hare went on._

"I do," Alice hastily replied; "at least at least I mean what I say that's the same thing, you know."

"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hatter. "Why, you might just as well say that `I see what I eat' is the same thing as `I eat what I see'!" -- **Lewis Carroll**

* * *

_"**W**ell, hello…so you're a wizard! No! Can't be! Magic is real! Oh my! Dear me! Good heavens!"_

Perhaps, had Harry been raised under different circumstances disbelief, incredulity and reluctant excitement would have met Mr. Hagrid's revelations.

"Wait a minute…you….You…YOU KNEW! You both knew all along, didn't you! What I was, what I am! My parents weren't drunks, I was not unwanted and unloved…You knew!"

Regardless of how aberrant the relationship, children will seek the approval and love if their guardians. It was an instinct ingrained in the human psyche. Petunia's response to Harry's supposed surprise and outrage would have been cutting, leaving deep wounds of dismay at her rejection that would not fade for years no matter how Harry looked back on the incident.

That did not happen.

What did happen was this.

Harry finished reading the letter.

"Wizards exist." He said dryly.

"Tha' they do Harry an' yer one o' them!" Hagrid nodded.

"Interesting…" The boy managed, already contemplating potential avenues of research.

Freeing himself of his temporary reverie, he asked. "And my parents were wizards?"

_"My parents were wizards?" The orphan queried eagerly of his professor._

When the memory was reviewed those words would leave a certain Headmaster faintly troubled….

"A wizard and a witch," Hagrid replied, cheerfully oblivious, "The finest o' their generation they were!" Smiling broadly the man continued, "Yer quite famous yourself! Since yer defeated You-Know-Who!"

Harry, blinked, "...Who?"

"You-Know-Who." Hagrid amended.

"No... I don't actually." The boy responded bemused.

After a moment, understanding dawned and the man rounded on the Dursleys "Ye haven't told him?!"

Harry sighed, "Told me what?"

Hagrid could only look at him awkwardly.

To the side, Petunia raised her head, eyes gleaming from where she sat fussing over her son's new appendage.

What followed was a full minute of vile, venomous, verbal vilification; the likes of which left the woman quivering and Hagrid staring in shock and utter disdain, even Vernon seemed taken aback, albeit only briefly _(drills, drills, drills…). The Dursleys were not the absolute worst type of muggle… sad to say but true._

Harry…pitied her.

In spite of their best efforts, Harry's world was simply far larger than the Dursley's would have liked or wished. He had seen things, done things, had been things that they could not even dream of for they no longer dared to dream. Dudley simply didn't know any better more the pity, but his chance would come.

The simple fact of life was that children grow up, some more than others.

He pitied her and her bitter, poisonous, petty hatred, for that was all she allowed herself.

So Harry turned away, determined to get the full story of his parent's deaths from Hagrid at a better time and later date, quite obviously it hadn't been a car crash as Vernon had claimed, his aunt's allusions to them being blown up was troubling. "Right," He said all business, "This is all settled then, my attendance? I just need to go with you."

"Now wait a minute!" Vernon began, and quailed under the combined glare of both the giant man and nephew.

"It was all settled before ye was born. Yer name's been down on tha' roster fer years…" The Gameskeeper explained.

Harry nodded, turned back to his cupboard and sighed.

"Er…" He gestured to the door, leaning against the wall.

Looking strangely shifty, the large man waved his pink umbrella and the door shivered, shedding its numerous locks, chains and bolts, before shuffling back toward the entryway, where it hopped back into place.

Leaving the Dursleys behind in the living room for a moment, Harry and Rubeus shared a moment in the hall. "S'not supposed to be doing magic, the man murmured lowly and winked, 'cept emergencies, be liking t'keep tha' between us please."

Harry nodded, though internally wondering. "Mum's the word…" He agreed, "Just need to grab a few quick things." The boy vanished into the closet while the older man's slightly mischievous expression faded.

"S'not right…" He murmured blinking away tears at what he'd seen and at what should have been. With renewed determination, and a lightly sparking umbrella, Hogwart's Keeper of Keys turned back toward the living room.

By the end of the day, Harry would be set up in Dudley's former playroom…

Properly girded in his black battle-shorts and vest, under a slightly worn, plain blue anorak, Harry tried his best not to tumble to the floor as he and Hagrid rode a vibrant purple double-decker bus that zipped around London and Shires like a mayfly in summer on speed.

Finally, with a snap, the bus squeezed through an alleyway, and stopped on a knut between two parked cars in a feat of vehicular dexterity, that should have won the driver an award for parallel parking between two cars, already parked bumper to bumper.

"Leeeaaaky Cauldron!" The conductor drawled.

As they made their way over to the nondescript tavern that only Harry and Hagrid seemed to notice, a faint worry burrowed its way into the boy's consciousness.

"Say Hagrid, I'm… famous right?" The young boy asked with growing trepidation.

"S'ruth!" The man replied as he opened the door to usher his charge inside.

_Suddenly Harry recalled a memory of a wild haired, wild eyed, forty year-old man in a nightgown, handing him a pen and his seven year-old daughter's knickers, asking for an autograph for his darling Luna. Vernon would drag the boy away before the man could teach Harry how to spell Xenophilius for his own pair of boxers…_

Oblivious to the sudden flurry of hands rearranging hair over a scar, Hagrid walked right up to the bartender for a greeting.

"What're you having Hagrid?" The barkeep asked as he wiped down the counter.

Hagrid didn't even try to keep his voice down, "Nothing today Tom, I'm bringing HARRY POTTER to get his school things."

Cue the descending chaos…

* * *

**A Californian Local News Service**

_**Anchorwoman:**__ "And now from our colleague on the streets. Helen, what's the general opinion on the proposed gun control laws?"_

_**Pedestrian:**__ "Well I was for it but then I saw Dawn of the Dead, I wouldn't want to be stuck at home without a shotgun with zombies on the prowl!"_

_**The reporter:**__ speechless_

_**Pedestrian:**__ Misunderstanding her look, "Don't get me wrong, I'm all for keeping guns out of the hands of criminals, kids and random crazies who can't tell a delusion from reality, but...zombies...**ZOMBIES**..."_

-**I Kid You Not****  
**

* * *

**Harry Potter, Age 9**

* * *

"**G**et it off, get it off!!" Harry whined.

While visiting Washu, the scientist had, rather politely asked to run an experiment on the boy's rather fetching scar.

Harry, not interested in asking questions, had agreed.

"GET...IT...OOOOFFF!!!"

It, being the ghostly specter of something that looked like the unholy spawn of a cliche tentacle monster, and a baby gorgon, ie, big, green and lots of writhing wormlike appendages, some of which hissed, while others stuck themselves into places they didn't belong...

and in the center of it all, glued to the side of Harry-kun's head was a grotesque parody of a newborn that was wailing creepily.

"MoMo ooH OOh OhO hOo OOOooo EEEooooo eoEoOOhooo!"

Washu, well used to the oddities of her universe, was even a little creeped out.

Though she hoped that this taught Mihoshi to finally pay attention to the 'DO NOT DISTURB! THAT MEANS YOU, MIHOSHI!' signs.

"EEIYAhhh! T-that's not an 'IN' hole! Help!" The blonde screamed.

Fascinated, Washuu couldn't decide whether to neutralize the AT-field or go get popcorn and 'VrrrrWhirrr Washu-chan (TM)'

In truth, after, Zero and chibi-Kagato-chan, Washu had only needed a look to tell what was sharing space with Harry's 'scar'. With that knowledge it had taken only a few minutes and some simple, for her, calculations backed by a minor scan to deduce the how and the why.

The two years had been needed to acquire the relevant data to support her hypothesis.

_**a.** In a few centuries, assuming the damage caused by in-breeding wasn't too great, Harry's descendants would eventually gain the power of the Light Hawk Wings, which was really just a meme created by the Ultimate Goddesses to judge when a species' matter and time/space manipulation abilities progressed beyond a certain point._

Actually, should Harry reproduce with a modern Jurian His offspring probably would be capable of Light Hawk Wing manifestation.

**b.** While Harry was at the natural threshold for developing the abilities that he was manifesting ie. Quantum tunneling between dimensions, high level matter and energy manipulation. There had to be some factor that was pushing him to cross that critical point in his species' evolution centuries ahead of schedule.

**c.** The Soul Fragment of a serial killer really was an ugly thing while it still possessed a 'memory record'.

Of course it wasn't until hours after talking with Hagrid in the Leaky Cauldron about Voldemort, that Harry realized that the soul fragment Washu had reformatted and merged with his own had belonged to his parent's killer.

Needless to say, for the rest of his life, Harry always asked questions and actively looked for his own answers.

Grim realities aside Harry was still an eleven year old boy, so some of his questions were...

"Two speeds," The goblin answered curtly, "Get there Soon and Get there Now..."

The boy blinked, glancing momentarily at Hagrid who seemed to be praying, "What about strapping on some rockets and calling it Get there Yesterday?"

Their guide squinted, "Rock-Ets?"

And so, though it would never be proved, Harry Potter was the one responsible for explaining to the Goblin Nation the uses of muggle chemical explosives, in rocketry, guns, and the making of very big bombs...

The trip went well, Harry acquired a nice fat sack of gold and managed to hang on to his vault key, confident in his ability to keep it out of the Dursley's hands.

After another detour to vault #713, Harry and Hagrid did the rounds shopping, stopping first at the bookstore. Since Harry much preferred to find his own answers, he ended up purchasing, in addition to his school list, Hogwarts A History, in addition to a few texts about him, and pretty much anything else that struck his fancy.

Really, what kind of nickname was Boy-Who-Lived?

He much preferred something edgier like...Ripper!

Then he remembered Aunt Marge's late beloved...

Boy-Who-Lived wasn't that bad come to think of it...

Hagrid, seeing the large pile, let Harry buy a trunk with a space enhancement charm on the inside and a feather-weight charm on the outside, then offering to split the chore of shopping, left Harry at Madame Malkin's while heading off to run an errand.

Neither noticed the purple crystal that tagged along with Hagrid...

* * *

_**Ash, after fighting his way out of a water-logged, deadite filled pit while the castle inhabitants, who threw him in there, were actively trying to kill, crush, impale and generally maim him:**__ Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my __**BOOM**__stick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart… __**You got that?!**_

Now I swear the next one of you primates even *_**touches**__* me... - **Army of Darkness**_

* * *

**T**his vacation was one of the brightest ideas that he'd ever had. One of his employer's business associates owned a mansion a on the outskirts of a sleepy village between Dunstable and Luton, with a population of fifty.

When the man had complained about needing someone to take care of the property for three weeks while he attended to some business in Spain, Vernon, seeing an opportunity to improve his standing within the company, (drills, drills, drills...) had volunteered himself and his family (Harry didn't count and was left home with Mrs. Figg).

He'd even given up his vacation time to do it but, (drills, drills, drills...) it was worth it. Oh sure, Dudley, the young scamp couldn't be bothered to clean the pool half-decently for anything less than a tenner, but they'd brought along enough video-games, candy, cake, soda, a miniature t.v. and a bb-gun...more than enough to keep his son out of trouble.

-Crash-

But what Vernon really relished was all this time...

-Bash-

-bang-

Away...

-Chop-

-bang--bang-

From that...

-Swack!-

-bang-

Freakish...

-Crash!!!-

-bang--click-

Child...

Vernon was still pretending that everything was o.k. when Deadite Queen Petunia, strode into the study, ignoring the bullets that her husband emptied into her torso with an antique pistol.

Rotting flesh pulled back over blackened and cracked teeth in a ghastly smile.

"Honey..." It purred, "I'm hoo-ome"

He was still reloading when the monstrosity to which he was wedded in unholy matrimony, reared back and swung, burying the hatchet; in his head.

"WHUUUHHH!!!"

"Huff..."

"Huff..."

"Huff..."

Wild eyes wheeled around as if on gimballs...

"Huff..."

Finally Vernon settled from his nightmare...

Tentatively, he rested in bed, eyeing his wife, smiling faintly in her slumber. He stayed like that for hours before sleep finally claimed him near dawn.

* * *

**S**he stood, gangly and awkward, covered in pig's blood.

-Swine!-

They laughed at her, built her up and then, in one unimaginably cruel move, revealed, the happiest day of her life to be nothing more than a sick joke...

-Pig!-

They laughed at her...and something broke....

_**Tuny, Tuny, quite so loony, ho-ow does your garden grow?**_

_**The screams grew shrii-iller as the flames grew hi-iigher, we-ell, what... do you know?**_

_**Silver bells and cockle-shells, headless corpses a-all in a row....**_

A signboard scythed down toward the neck of a running girl...

_Mama, I can do magic too..._

Sleepily, Petunia smiled.

_"There is a God..." She thought ._

* * *

"**U**mmmMmmm!"

A finger traced over red, pouty lips....

"Yeah, Baby..."

And and passed over full breasts, pinching a nipple sharply before tracing lightly across a stomach....

"Juuust like that, tha'sit, riiiight there."

Lips, kiss and caress at a navel, while the hand dips lower....

"Ooooohhhh, Yeah, OOOhhh, Yeah. OH Yah, Uh Hunh, Uh huh, Yeah...

Fingers, dip into the honey pot, teasing out sweet nectar....

These nights were the worst, when Dudley stayed up too late and had to listen to Fat Bogey-man talk in his sleep...

"Stay just like tha'... I'ma gonae lick that treacle jam all off tha' Plump Butt, Sweet Thang..."

Dudley just stared blankly at the ceiling...

* * *

The next day Vernon agreed to drive Harry where ever the hell he wanted to go...

* * *

**Earlier that Day...**

* * *

**H**arry settled the waist-band of his black-jeweled, battle-shorts, pulled up the tops of his midnight-black battle socks, stopping only briefly to scuff the shoes that had carried the day.

After Hagrid left him at Madam Malkin's, Harry had spent a wonderful time at playing at being a living mannequin. He'd met a nice young boy and, lacking severely in normal interactions with his peers had decided to just follow Washu's advice and be himself...

So when the other boy insulted Hagrid, whom Harry had grown rather fond of, he kicked him in the whuthers...

Fortunately Madam Malkin had been otherwise occupied, and had accepted Harry's explanation that the other boy had inhaled a floating bit of fluff...

Alas, but all good things must come to an end. There was the strange encounter with the wand maker Olivander who seemed delighted by both the difficulty of matching a wand to Harry as well as the boy's open, inquisitive mind, willingly answering the boy's many questions about wandlore.

And so as they walked back to the Leaky Cauldron Harry split his attention between talking to his new pet cat, Hedwig, and to his eleven inches, holly and phoenix-feather wand, which was nice, supple, and as a brief jet of flame proved, rather excitable...

Harry, having met Funaho, Yosho's Juraian Space Tree, found that being told that it was the wand that chose the wizard, actually sounded rather reasonable, his holly wand certainly -felt- alive.

Heeding Hagrid's cautionary tale of the Trace and about broken wands, Harry shifted his wand to his anorak, placing it in the inner lining, near to his heart. He'd have time to take a look at both later in his own pocket dimension.

Passing into a back-room and ordering some dinner, Harry finally spoke up about what had been on his mind all day.

"Hagrid, I'd like you to tell me what you know about You-Know-Who..." The boy requested, eyes fixed on the older man.

For his part, the groundskeeper only choked slightly on the warm ale that the innkeeper had left in his care.

"Who?" The shaggy-haired man repeated lamely.

"You...Know...Who..." One could be excused for mistaking Harry for the adult and Hagrid the eleven year old child given their relative air of grim determination and recalcitrance...

Finally Hagrid sighed, "Ye 'ave the right o' it." He rumbled, sounding weary.

"You-Kn-"

"Stop!" The dark-haired boy cut in. "I'm sorry Hagrid." He apologized upon seeing his guide's startled face, "I gather that this man is why my parents are dead? Why I have this scar? Why I-I'm famous?"

Seeing the man nod, Harry continued, voice dripping with passion and a faint, sibilant undertone, that compelled, _another point of worry for the wizard viewing that memory_ "This man who murdered my parents, _tell me his name!_"

Another man of less iron will, might have been reduced to a babbling mess, Hagrid, though not the sharpest trowel in the tool-shed, was protected from the unintentional psychic outburst by his heritage and was moved to speak wholly by the stubborn set of a mother's jaw, that he could clearly see within the boy.

So while the wizard's closest to the back-room's door began gabbing their deepest secrets to anyone who'd listen, Hagrid sighed.

"Ye have tae understand, 'arry. Magic, magic is a wonderful and 'orrible thing. Ye got wonderful wizards, like Albus Dumbledore, the 'eadmaster of 'ogwarts, and terrible, terrible ones, like..." His voice hushed and became so faint that Harry strained to hear it. "Voldemort...they called 'im Voldemort, don't ask me tae sae it againe, 'arry. only for you... 'Twas a dark time, don't know who to trust, when yer neighbor or the bloke down the street might me one o' 'is followers. They called themselves, Deatheaters and wore masks..."

The man now stared blankly at the wall above Harry's head. "Only one they say he was 'fraid of were Dumbledore, if he wanted yae dead ye were dead, there was a curse...a killing curse....no one ever survived it." Dark eyes fixed on wide staring green, "Until you tha' is. He attacked yer home, killed yer family, you were the only one left alive.... none believed it, 'e would'na just left...but he's gone... some say that when he tried to cast the curse on ye, somethun went wrong, tha' it turned back on 'im, killed him, tha's wha' they say anyways..."

"And what do you believe, Hagrid?" Harry asked with dread, noting the man's skepticism.

Brown eyebrows frowned over beetle black eyes, "Dumbledore say's tha' 'e still aroun' sumwhere, I believe 'im, folks like You-Know-Who, they get so evil... maybe 'e weren't human enough tae die..."

The scary thing was, Harry understood perfectly well how that could be...

_It was a little after Mihoshi had been detached from the odd growth on the side of his face and ushered out the pocket dimension. Washu had neutralized the entity's ability to affect the physical world and began explaining to him just what it was._

He wasn't too enthused...

"You see Harry-kun," The scientist explained, "A soul is like the water in the sea, it's not something that can just be divided up into discrete parts and treat it as a separate object. A soul is a soul, you can separate it into a billion, billion pieces, and all you'd get is one soul." There were graphs, transcendental physics and power-point presentations involved but what it boiled down to was, "The things that people call a spirit or an aura, existed independent of, though conjugate to, the existence of the soul."

Harry had asked what that had to do with the thing on his head and was shocked by Washu's answer.

"A soul can't be destroyed." She explained, "If it's too badly damaged, the memory record is wiped clean and then the soul is returned to the quantum ether. In short, the souls of all beings in the multiverse, constitute the soul of the multiverse and exist as a phenomena stimulated by the Ultimate Goddesses of creation."

But, Washu added, even though one couldn't actually kill a soul, one could mutilate one's own soul severely, like the thing on Harry's head. Though, and the red headed scientist had been clear on this part, due to the sheer persistence and durability of a soul, such extreme self-mutilation had to have been done by someone with a truly prodigious, willful, blissful, once-in-a-lifetime level of idiocy...and evil.

Harry hadn't wanted anything to do with the thing at first but Washu had assured him that once the soul's 'memory record', the consciousness of its original owner, was erased, it could be merged with Harry with little ill effect. This was apparently necessary since it was Harry's connection with this soul fragment that had activated a facet of his powers that wouldn't normally have been seen in wizards for another four hundred years....

Harry grew Light Hawk Wings...

* * *

**AN: Like it? Good Bad? Read and Review :) TTFN**


	4. Chapter 4

**Under Heaven and Earth

* * *

**

**To the Reader,**

**This story began as an episodic post on a writer's blog, the format from here on will reflect that fact and perhaps help with issues of continuity that might detract from understanding what's going on due to breaks in the flow of the story. By this time the pattern of the story has more or less been set... One Interlude followed by a quote or excerpt and a part of the chapter. **

**Please enjoy reading..

* * *

**

**Chapter Four : Hi-Ho! Hey-Yo! And Off To School We Go!**

* * *

After escaping the clutches of a murderous sea monster; **Joey Pantucci**: It almost had me guys! It came through the window and started snapping at my ass...[Breathes Heavily]... I dove overboard, swam like hell, [Gulp] next thing I know...KABLOOEE!! [Collapses on Beach]

[To Finnegan] And your damn surf-boad almost cut me in half man! [Smirks] Is it just the water in my eyes or did I see some lip action between you two?

**Finnegan**: Joey...

**Joey Pantucci**: No, I can just go for a stroll down the Beach or...

**Trillian St. James**(blushing): Joey!

**Joey Pantucci**: ...go for a little swim though I gotta tell ya if I never get back in that damn water agai-

**Finnegan&Trillian**: Joey!!

**Joey Pantucci**: Ok, Cool...I'll stick around you don't have to beg me!

[They laugh]

**Joey Pantucci**: [Looks about the Island] Hmm. this looks like a nice enough place...

ROOOAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!

[CHANTING AND OMINOUS GRUNTING BEGINS WHILE A VOLCANO ERUPTS IN THE DISTANCE]

**Finnegan**: Now What?!

**Deep Rising. Final scene**

* * *

**Interlude #3**

* * *

**T**he girl stared at the light floating above the boy's open upturned palm with ill-concealed excitement.

"You try it!" He said enthusiastically.

She looked at him, startled. "How do I?"

"Just think of what makes you happy and wish with all your might." He replied.

Her face lit up with determination and joy. "OK!"

* * *

Kyon had exactly four chances to realize what was happening...

His first warning came when Asahina-san (small) dematerialized right before him without so much as a scream.

Unfortunately, he'd been looking in the opposite direction when it happened, and due to a small quirk of causality and temporal mechanics, the existence of Asahina Mikuru (small) was erased from his consciousness.

His second chance came when Asahina-san (big) noticeed her temporal shockwave indicator register the event that caused Asahina-san (small) to cease to exist. She attempted to give Kyon a warning before the next incoming predicted wave overloaded her Heisenberg/Yamamoto degenesis compensator.

She succeeded in gaining his attention but vanished just as a gaggle of girls from the class below him blocked the event from his sight, thus voiding the observer effect (the girls weren't looking) and allowing the occurence to fade from his awareness.

His third chance came when Itsuki recieved an all-members recall in response to a sudden and massive proliferation of Shinjin. The two boys just missed each other as Itsuki was teleported out as soon as he reported being ready... mere seconds before Kyon turned the corner and saw him.

In the end, it was Yuki's wide, and uncharacteristically panicked eyes that clued him in. As he watched, a cherished copy of Ulysses fell from nerveless white fingers and landed on the floor with an disproportionately loud. -thump!-

The sudden noise and unusual behavior was enough of a distraction that, combined with Nagato-san's soundless and swift movement, Kyon was taken utterly by surprise when the girl grabbed him by the collar and altered the elemental boost information of a string of anti-chezfron trinary particles.

The two rode in a pocket of subspace as it carried them along the waveform path of the resulting shockwaves. From Kyon's perspective it was as if Yuki teleported them from the classroom to the school courtyard in an instant, leaving behind the -crack--crack--crack- of a supersonic boom that blew out all the windows on the western face of the school.

It was a testament to the extreme urgency of the situation that Yuki hadn't bothered to wait for the subspace bubble to encompass her properly and as a result only her upper torso rematerialized.

She silently waved away Kyons concern as she reformed her body. pointing instead at the scene before them.

It was already far too late...

If one were to ask, "What were Kyon's last words?"

The answer would be, "Wha-huk-gerk-OW!" When Yuki grabbed him and teleported him to Suzumiya-san's side, not particularly impressive unless you consider that he said it all in one go without stuttering even once.

If one were to ask, "Well what was he thinking?"

The answer would be, as he fell to his knees in the face of what his frozen mind was seeing headed his way, his left eye turned into a violet crystal and he thought, "G-"

**I see trees of green, red roses too  
I see them bloom for me and you  
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world **

**I see skies of blue and clouds of white  
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night  
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world **

**The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky  
Are also on the faces of people going by  
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"**

And then there was light...

**They're really saying "I love you"**

It spread out at exponentially increasing super-luminal velocities...

**I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow**

And within a few thousand years, the Milky Way was obliterated...

They'll learn much more than I'll ever know

Within a hundred years, the local galactic cluster...

**And I think to myself, what a wonderful world**

And on it went. Millions of years later, on the shores of a distant planet half the galaxy away, the light came to be seen as a symbol of hope and new life, representing the unbounded potential of the world.

**Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world**

At least until scientists realized what it really was and the mass suicides started...

Thus did the universe end.

In a Bang... to the tune of Louis Armstrong singing 'What a Wonderful World'.

* * *

Washu finished bandaging the chastened boy's rapidly healing cuts and looked at him with a severe expression.

"Now you know why I told you not to experiment without me!" She scolded.

He looked even more miserable, "I'm sorry..."

Seeing him take his lesson to heart she relented. "It's alright, Tokimi said that the blast didn't damage anything that she couldn't fix or replace... Just don't do it again!"

"I'm sorry!" Harry was almost blubbering.

She kissed his forehead and sent him along to find Sasami.

Once the boy was clear, the Goddess turned to her younger sisters, the elder of whom was faintly blushing.

"Why Tokimi-chan," The redhead was smirking knowingly. "If all you wanted was a high school romance with your beloved Z, you should have told your onee-chama! Even Tsunami had to learn the trick to safely compressing into a fully-integrated third-dimensional life-form from me..."

* * *

"Name's Barf. I'm a Mog, half man half dog. I'm my own best friend."  
**-Spaceballs**

* * *

**Chapter Four Part I: Hi-Ho! Hey-Yo! And Off To School We Go!**

* * *

**"B**-but, I don' wanna go!" The young boy stuttered as he bravely held in a sob.

"Now look here champ..." An older man, presumably the boy's father, rumbled gently as a thin woman looked upon the child from beside him in sympathy.

"You're going to have a fun time I promise, you'll be with loads of people your own age, you'll have plenty of friends you'll see... there we go! Chin up, lad!"

The family of three were making their way over to Platform 7, when another family entered the station.

Vernon glanced warily at HIM and grunted lowly. "You have your ticket boy?"

"Yes Uncle Vernon." HE, Harry replied.

"Which platform does it say again, boy?" Asked the man, eyes scanning the crowd looking for a gathering of freaks. He glanced over a gaggle of redheads, bypassed an elderly woman with a decorated hat and a young bo in tow; and Vernon latched on to an effeminate man with numerous piercings and a green mohawk.

The man noticed him looking and nudged his friend, the two men each made a fist and then mimed...

"Platform 93/4 Uncle Vernon." Harry answered his uncle whose ears had gone red.

The man shook his head as he looked at boy standing beside a luggage cart with his pet carrier on top.

"Platform 9 3/4 eh," Vernon mused with a grin, "You sure they weren't having you on, boy?"

"I'm quite sure Uncle Vernon." Was his nephew's calm reply.

The man shrugged, it wasn't as if he cared either way. Vernon fully intended to turn about and race back to his car which would take him home to his perfectly ordinary wife and son, far away from any freaks. (Drills, drills, drills)

But first he had to be sure. "Make sure that you tell them, boy!" Vernon said briskly. "That, we don't want you- err... Because we'll be visiting your Aunt Marge over the holidays," The man ammended hastily. (In the background there was the sound of sharpening blades and a soft breathy, ki, ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma...)

"And you know how she gets around you ever since she was released from that sanitorium." Vernon was sweating, "No need to trigger any more psychotic breaks, eh?"

The grating of blades faded, as Harry nodded in thought, "You will give Aunt Marge my best regards please, Uncle Vernon and goodbye, see you in summer."

Vernon's smile in reply was wooden, but he managed it. "Like hell..." The thought flitted and passed as the man grunted in response. Abruptly he turned and made for the exit, leaving Harry behind without another word, he wasn't quite running, but only just...

* * *

Having read Hogwarts, A History Harry had no problems finding Platform 9 3/4's though he felt that the family of redhead's that he passed by on the way, might not have been wizards as he thought since one of seemed to have shouted in alarm when he went through the wall.

Briefly, he puzzled over the matter, the area around the Platform's muggle entrance was warded against muggles and protected by Notice-Me-Not Charms according to The Line Betwixt, Muggles and Magic-born. By the time that Harry was on the train dragging his Washu-chan Superdimensional Portable Storage Vault (TM), he was convinced that they were probably either a new muggleborn's family wanting directions or a family of wizards who thought that he had been a muggle.

Mouthing the word muggle in slight bemusement, a verbal command to his upgraded trunk prompted the thing to settle into an overhead rack. Setting the petcarrier down on the seat, Harry freed Hedwig and spent the rest of his time stroking her fur while reading the holographic scan of one of his texts helpfully made by the sentient creature sitting in his lap.

On his twentieth pass from the green gem in the center of white, black and brown tabby's forehead to tip of tail, the hologram he was reading faded as a few seconds later, the door to his cabin opened and a duo of redheads looked inside.

"Do you mind..." One of the boys said.

"If our ickle brother shares this cabin with you?" Finished the other boy, who Harry realized was the first boy's twin.

"Er, no..." Yes, actually, but they were polite enough to ask and it wouldn't do to drive off these upperclassmen when he had so many questions...He could read at his leisure later.

The two boy's lead a third, younger boy inside. While one twin placed a trunk on the racks overhead, the other one made introductions. "Hi, I'm George, the litle squirt here in Ron," Ron, Harry gathered was not enthused with the apellation attached to his name but nodded to Harry, "And this is my brother Fred," Fred, identical to the last freckle, nodded with a grin and replied "No, no, no... Don't let my brother fool you, I'm George and He is my brother Fred.

"What!" George/Fred gasped, "I thought we greed to call me Gred?"

Fred/George smirked, "Then shouldn't you have called me Feorge?"

Harry watched bemused as the two played at each other's names an act that Ron seemed used to. It ended when the boys' mother came to the window and admonished an embarassed Ron for having dirt on his nose.

"I'm sorry 'bout that." Ron said in embarassment after his family left. "There weren't any empty cabins left."

In the background through the still open window Harry could faintly hear the boy's mother scolding another who said in a plaintive voice. "But I don't wanna wait another year, I wanna go now!"

Moe and Curly, the cloaked surveillence probes that Washu had sent along for Harry's protection, informed him that the train was actually less than two-thirds full but Harry didn't bother to contradict the other boy.

"That's alright," He said, "And by the way, my name is Harry."

"Ah," The boy's eyes widened, before his eyes flickered to Harry's forehead, looking for a nonexistent scar. "Oh." His eyes dimmed as he found nothing.

"I'm Ronald Weasley, my family calls me Ron." The boy introduced himself.

"My family calls me Boy." Floated in the back of his mind darkly as Harry shrugged then answered shrewdly. "I'm just Harry."

The other boy seemed not to understand. "Pleased to meet you Just Harry." He said with complete honesty as the train got underway, it was endearing.

* * *

The two boys spent the first part of the ride in comfortable conversation, though mostly on Ron's side. The red haired boy chatted about his favorite game, Quidditch, his favorite quidditch team, his favorite color, his favorite game, Quidditch...

At times Harry would interject about something that he'd seen or read, mostly trying to prompt Ron into talking about his own experiences in the wizarding world or just something other than the Chudley Bloody Cannons.

His efforts in this endeavor were not often successful leading Harry to believe Ron to be either dense or rather sheltered. The boy's behaviour when the stewardess came by with a trolly of sweets indicated that his family was not well off; a fact that Harry, who was raised for some time in a coat cupboard, could well empathize with.

Things were going well until Ron tried to show Harry a spell using his pet rat Scabbers.

"Have either of you seen a toad? A boy named Neville has lost one."

Ron shrugged as Harry did the same, shaking his head in the negative.

But by then the girl had spotted Ron holding out his wand and quite eagerly she said, "Are you going to do magic?" Her next words were spoken in a somewhat bossy tone, "Well let's see it then."

Turning slightly pink at the attention Ron chanted as he waved the wand tip over the sleepy rat, "Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow!"

And then,

Scabbers disappeared...

The three children gaped. Ron was in shock as the girl at the door stuttered. "Are you sure you said thhat spell correcty? Sometimes if you pronounce words incorrectly..."

Harry on the other hand slowly looked down to his side.

"Mia!"

Cheerfully under the gaze of the three children, Hedwig the Cat, slowly slurped in the tail of Scabbers the Rat.

Ron was inconsolable.

* * *

[After a burst of gunfire from the Mystery Woman, Jake climbs to his feet, covered in mud from the tunnel floor]

**Jake**: It's good to see you, sweetheart.

**Mystery Woman**: You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.

[Jake falls to his knees]

**Jake**: Oh, please, don't kill us. Please, please don't kill us. You know I love you baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.

**Mystery Woman**: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.

**Jake**: No I didn't. Honest... I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

[Elwood covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire, Jake removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal, and the Mystery Woman visibly softens]

**Mystery Woman**: Oh, Jake... Jake, honey...

[Jake embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss]

**Jake**: [to Elwood] Let's go.

[He drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]

**Elwood**: [to the Mystery Woman as he steps past her] Take it easy.

- **The Blues Brothers, 1980**

* * *

**Chapter Four Part II: Hi-Ho! Hey-Yo! And Off To School We Go!**

* * *

**"M**iaa..." Hedwig meowed pitifully.

Cabbit's are sentient creatures created when Washu merged a crystal based super computer with Masu lifeforms, an amalgamate entity which generated antimatter naturally as a product of natural bilogical processes.

Washu's goal was to create for her daughter Ryoko, a companion and protector that would stay at her daughter's side forever, providing comfort and reasonable safety. It should stand as a testament to Washu's motherly instincts that the word reasonable safety translated into a spacecraft capable of devastating the Royal Juraian Home Fleet...

Being partially composed of Masu, Ryo-ohki has little actual need to eat though she and the cabbit crystals spawned from her, do find pleasure in things that taste good. For a cabbit this genrally means anything edible (everything) though usually carrots are a favorite. For Hedwig however, being merged into a cat meant liking the things that cats like to eat.

In the few weeks that Hedwig had been a guest to the Dursleys, the common brown rat and black rat went extinct in the Surrey area. Toad populations also experienced a sharp decline.

"Mia-mia!"

Harry stroked the Tabby's fur. He was sitting in one of the 'full' cabins that Ron had passed by on the way to his own. Needless to say, it was quite empty.

"Miaaa." Hedwig purred softly in contentment.

"Glutton." The boy murmured, rubbing the cat's stomach gently.

They'd been too late to stop Hedwig from swallowing Scabbers to Ron's horror. Predictably the boy had been less than pleased with the situation, insisting that Harry get Hedwig to disengorge his pet rat. Harry had been obliged to try, aware of Hedwig's durability from his knowledge of what Ryoko got up to with Ryo-ohki.

In the end though Hermione Granger, the girl at the door had stepped in before he could say or do anything, much to Hedwig's visible relief, (She'd seen the look Harry was giving her) and laid into Ron. After being told that it was just natural for a cat to eat his pet rat, after all they're animals and have to obey predator/prey instincts. Ron had retaliated with a string of insults, Busybody being the nicest, and the whole thing devolved into an argument.

Hedwig's satisfied belch had been the last straw.

Harry had left with his trunk and Hermione in tow. They'd met up with a boy named Neville who was looking for his pet toad...

This time Harry really did make Hedwig spit Trevor back up.

The resulting scolding from Hermione had lead to him now staying in an empty compartment alone. At least Neville seemed happy to get his pet back...

* * *

A rat lay on it's back, floating in the middle of a large containment unit. The creature watched stunned as a number of odd lifeforms moved about in the other specimen jars stored around it. There was the sound of rubber gloves snapping on and a low sinister chuckling as a woman's voice somewhere in the darkness muttered, "Specimens, specimens, speciments..."

* * *

Moe followed his current orders, to provide Harry with privacy while Curly continued the two's previous mission of recording, cataloguing and analysing their environment for Washu.

So it was in keeping with his programming that Moe jammed shut the door to Harry's compartment when a trio of boy's tried to enter. The blond in the middle had been identified as a possible enemy in Moe's databanks, from observations made during the child's last encounter with Harry.

Seeing that the three were intent on entering, Moe ran through the list of authorized non-lethal 'persuasions' that it could use to run off the three boy's currently attempting to lever the compartment door open.

Finally, it settled on Anti-Dudley #03

Draco Malfoy felt hot breath down the back of his neck seconds before he, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle were engulfed in warm smelly, protoplasm.

"Whaaaa-blub-blub-blublub-blub!"

* * *

**Where's yer shitter? I've got a wee turtle head poking out!**

For the first time in well, ever, Lee Jordan was speechless. He, Katy Bell, Angelina Johnson, the Twins and Percy Weasley were staring at a the poltergeist that had just asked them for directions to the loo...

"Well," Angelina said faintly as she nudged Percy from behind while she peered over his shoulder at the semi-transparent Scotsman with a soggy black mass squirming in his center. "You're the prefect!" She hissed.

The boy twitched, "So now I'm the prefect eh..." He thought in annoyance. Then he gulped and visibly collected himself before straightening up and speaking as clearly and as boldly as possible to the rather revolting ghost. Had Percy been more familliar with muggle literature and films, he might have found a rather disturbing parallel between the hovering specter and Baron Harkonnen from Frank Herbert's** Dune**, now he was just overawed [If that was the right word...] by the sheer grotesque nature of the being before him.

"The restrooms are seven doors down that way." He managed to say, pointing to his left.

The red-haired ghost bobbed slightly, tilting forward as far as it's grossly bloated stomach would allow.

**"I thank Ye kindly lad... T'was getting a wee bit squishy down there if yer know what I mean..._-Phuuuurk!-_ Aaaahhh tha's a right stinker right there, let's just smell it... Oooh, Nasty! Worse than Nasty, even a maggot would gag on tha' stink! Ooooh, Gotta Go!" **

Fred would later swear that he saw some blond hair poking out the back of the Scotsman's kilt, through watery eyes. Not that any of the others could tell, the scent was worse than a dungbomb.... they'd all been too busy choking on the stink to notice.

The legend of the Scot with the Hot Load would lead to a yearly exorcism of the train.

* * *

**Dr. Frederick Frankenstein**: "Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door."

**Inga**: "Yes, Doctor."

**Igor**: "Nice working with ya."

[Dr. Frederick Frankenstein goes into the room with The Monster. The  
Monster wakes up]

**Dr. Frederick Frankenstein**: "Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!"

-**Young Frankenstein**

* * *

**Chapter Four Part III: Hi-Ho! Hey-Yo! And Off To School We Go! **

* * *

**K**i, ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....

Ki, ki, ki, ki...

Ma, ma, ma, ma....

It came....

From the Lake...

Ki, ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....

It was....

Beyond words...

Ki, ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....

Slowly, like a dawning horror it rose....

It wore a necklace of grindylow knuckles...

Ki, ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....

With the grindylows, gasping, still attached...

While Moe was designed by Washu as a defense droid with it's force absorption protoplasm barrier. All the really nasty programming had been given to Curly in the event that the elder Dursley male ever tried to go through with his half-muttered threats.

Ki, ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....

A kappa tried to yank Curly back under water, wrapping knobby fingers around the solid image's neck. The danger was assessed at 0.000005% but this was the third attempt by the dark beast to do harm so...

-Cr-CracK- -Crack-

Bwuee!

Ki, ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....

Curly Vorhees stepped onto the far bank where the boats were docked after being used by the first year student. In the shallows he left a screaming kappa, nursing two broken arms as best it could.

Bwuee!

The kappa bit his leg...

[Annihilation Mode Authorized...]

The ankle-biter had a moment of triumph before the tall masked humanoid figure, turned around, hefting a very large machete consideringly. The dark creature struggled back toward the relative saftey of the water but with two broken arms the possibility of drowning was high.

Ki, ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma, ma....

It was determined to take it's chances...

* * *

"Potter, Harry!" The stern-faced witch called out.

Hogwarts, A History held little about the sorting other than that it happened, what the Four Houses were and abit of their history. Nothing about a hat, a talking hat...

Moe indicated that the raggedy old piece of cloth was emitting alpha waves and showed extensive signs of matter and energy manipulation. So a device of possibly limited sentience, perhaps an interface of sorts between the students and whatever selection program or intelligence that did the sorting.

The girl, Granger, went to Gryffindor, following Neville Longbottom. Draco Smelly Malfoy went straight to Slytherin as did Fishy Crabbe and Grungy Goyle before him. Perhaps the Hat, even with it's lack of a visible nose, felt the need to hurry things along. It swiftly sent the boys over to their table making it's pronouncement long before settling on each of their heads, causing the end where they were reluctantly allowed to sit, to be quickly cleared of other students.

And now, it was his turn.

"Shh!"

murmur, murmur...

"Harry Potter, they said!"

"The Harry Potter!"

He ignored the muttering as best he could and made his way over to the stool set out for him to sit upon. As he settled into place, Professor McGonagall set the Sorting Hat upon his head with an inscrutable expression.

It was an Odd sensation, feeling another root about his mind, worthy of Odd with a capital **O**.

"Oh yes, Oh My, Oh Dear ME!" The hat muttered as it perused gently through his most notable memories, touching upon only those that held some significance to him, a strong emotional tie that affected his personality whether he realised it or not he surmised.

He realised at once that it was aware of his thoughts as the hat let out a hum of approval as he came to this hypothesis. His eyes widened for a moment, lifting the brim slightly with his eyebrows. Then he sent a tentative query mentally.

"How do you make your choices?" He asked silently.

There was a sense of kindly amusement, before a reedy voice answered. "It depends, some come to the sorting chair with preconceptions and assumptions. Whether they are aware of it or not, they've already made a choice and our choices define us. For instance, do you remember why at the age of seven, you declined Washu's offer to take you in?"

Harry trembled slightly even now as he recalled the tempting offer, his mouth went dry...

"You declined it when her scans confirmed that you were powering some astral defence field protecting the house. You could have been safe, with a family that loved you, yet you stayed... Though you wanted to say yes very much. You didn't know what would happen to the Dursleys if the defence wasn't there to protect them or you, so you chose to stay to protect them. Brave, boy, **brave**...Loyal too..."

There was a squirming in his mind as he felt other memories and emotions come to the fore, flickering too quickly for him to make sense of them. "Sometimes," The Sorting Hat said, "When the decision is not clear or may lead a student to harm, I present other choices..."

Harry remembered his lessons with Washu finding enjoyment in the succeeding in the simple (for her) tasks that she set for him to learn from. He remembered yearning for more...

"Such a quick mind, such a thirst to succeed.... The Ravenclaws aren't as open minded as you'd like to think boy, they would not so easily accept the truth of your words even if couched in this 'Scientific Process' of yours, tradition blinds us all..." It said, then added softly, "Though, you could go far in _Slytherin_..."

As if feeling Harry's reticence, the hat's next words were spoken again in a kindly tone, "Sometimes, I just ask questions. So why did you want to know how I choose?"

Harry shrugged, "I was curious. It seemed interesting...just because I guess... I always try to ask questions when I can."

He felt the hat nod, "Spoken llike a true... **Ravenclaw!**"

* * *

**Book**: "Man has always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much...the wheel, New York, wars and so on...while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man...for precisely the same reason."

-**Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy**

* * *

**Chapter Four Part IV: Hi-Ho! Hey-Yo! And Off To School We Go!**

* * *

**H**e stood upon the bridge once again, as he did lifeages ago...

"You cannot pass." He called defiantly to his enemy. "I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn!" He raised staff and sword and was shrouded in a brilliant shpere of light.

The Balrog struck with a sword molded from infernal fire and was repelled. "Go back to the Shadow!" He hissed at the thing of fire and shadow.

The demon stepped forth upon the bridge with on fiery, cloven hoof, it snarled a challenge in rage and snapped at the cavern walls with a whip of fire. The wizard, he drew himself up once again raising staff and sword. When he next spoke his voice thundered mightily, echoing within the cavern. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!." He roared and smote the bridge.

He remembered falling and fighting the Blarog, Glamdring held tightly in his grip as they fell in the caverns of Moria. Through fire, through water, from the deepest dungeons to the tallest of peaks, until at last he threw down his enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.

He was...

'Whuuuuhh??!

Fawkes trilled softly in annoyance at his pet wizard's antics.

Dumbledore wiped a hand across his face, idly seting aside the tome that he had been reading. Out of habit he reached for the bowl of sweets beside his bedside before hesitating... Large feet in threadbare socks found themselves in slippers as the old wizard came to rest in an armchair by the bedroom window.

"Hmm, to think that I would dream of that after all this time... What an odd day." Idly he fished out an odd pipe from one of the pockets in his nightcoat, and filled it with a bit of powder. He held it out to the phoenix that was watching him reprovingly.

"Do you mind, old chum? For some reason I always have the strangest urge at times like these..."

The bird hacked up a spark that arced through the air and tumbled right into the smoking pipe, setting it alight.

And so the wizard sat there for a time, idly puffing away, blowing strange smoky forms into the air.

"The oddest day..."

* * *

Earlier that evening...

"-and finally, I must tell you that this year, the third floor corridor on the right hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."

Harry's head came up in an instant. His hand was up in the air for a half second before Terry Boot, who he had been speaking to, dragged it back down. "What are you doing?" The boy hissed.

Harry blinked, "I had a question." He replied nonplussed, but the headmaster had already moved on.

A golden ribbon twirled into the air with the flick of a wand and began twisting into words.

"And now, before we go to bed," The Headmaster said cheerfully, "Let us sing the school song! Everyone pick their favorite tune and off we go!"

**_Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,_**

**_Teach us something, please,_**

**_Whether we be old and bald_**

**_Or young with scabby knees,_**

**_Our heads could do with filling_**

**_With some interesting stuff,_**

**_For now they're bare and full of air,_**

**_Dead flies and bits of fluff,_**

**_So teach us things worth knowing,_**

**_Bring back what we've forgot,_**

**_Just do your best, we'll do the rest,_**

**_And learn until our brains all rot._**

Someone on the Gryffindor was singing to a funeral dirge that went on well after everybody else had finished. Harry himself hummed along to the tune of a lullaby Washu once sang for him. By the time that the whole cacophony of sound ended Professor Dumbledore seemed a little misty eyed, although he was the only one at the staff table who seemed enthused.

"Ah, music," he said, wiping his eyes. "A magic far beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"

The young Ravenclaws were gathered together by the prefects Richard Carmichael and Penelope Clearwater who led them out of the Great Hall and down a flight of stairs before turning down a passage way that led them to a staircase that led to a corridor three floors up.

"Don't worry about losing your way," Penelope said, seeing some baffled faces trying to memorize where they were going. "We have a general map in the common room for all the first years, it should tell you where to find the classes you'll be taking.

The prefects then went on to answer a flood of other questions as they made their way up a spiral staircase, coming to stop before a door without a handle or keyhole, fitted with only a bronze knocker in the shape of an eagle.

The male Ravenclaw prefect, turned to the assembled first years and explained what was going on. "The door wil open only after asking a question and recieving a correct answer. I you don't know the answer simply wait until another person comes along who can answer it."

"Sounds horribly inconvenient." Another boy next to Harry muttered.

The prefect must have heard him however, and grinned. "Don't worry, the questions are rarely too far above the level of the first person to stand before the door. It's usually not too hard to figure out. Now let's see."

Turning to the knocker caused the eagle who had been watching the students curiously, to speak to the prefect.

"Centaurs," It said, "Are they a magical creature or a magical being?"

Turning to the students the prefect nodded, "What do you think?"

Anthony Goldstein answered with "Magical Creature," at the same time Harry said, "Magical Being."

"You're both right," The older boy answered. Turning partially to the knocker he replied, "In 1811 the Minister for Magic, Grogan Stump decreed that a 'magical being' was 'any creature that has sufficient intelligence to understand the laws of the magical community and to bear part of the responsibility in shaping those laws.' So by definition Centaurs are magical beings."

"However," Carmichael added, "The Centaurs refused to be associated with dark creatures such as vampires and hags, that were also given "being" status and are thus oficially classed as magical creatures."

As the door swung open, the older boy smiled, "Learn something new eh," He said while entering the common room, "That was on my Care of Magical Creatures exam."

The Ravenclaw common room was a large, airy room. It was a wide, circular room with a midnight blue carpet, arched windows hung with blue and bronze silks, and a domed ceiling painted with stars. As Harry entered he noted that the room was furnished with tables, chairs, and bookcases. The last feature caused a huge smile to adorn his face and pleased him so immensely that he hardly minded being shooed off to bed.

* * *

At the same time that the Hogwart's first years were on their way to their common rooms, Albus Dumbledore greeted Hagrid at the train station where he found a grossly obese spirit winking saucily at a red-feaced Professor McGonagall. He took a look at her pinched white lips and the angry red plotches on her cheeks before glancing over at a disgusted looking Snape and an equally disturbed looking Flitwick. Even Professor Sprout glared outraged at the seemingly coy poltergeist.

"I assume..." He began tentatively, "That it is unanimous that this spirit be exorcised?"

Given that the erstwhile spirit had in a single breath, propositioned the Deputy Headmistress, called Sprout a slag and Snape her pimp, all while pondering out loud what Flitwick would taste like lightly toasted and slathered in rutabaga jam, the answer was...

-**Phuuuuuuuuuuu!-**

Whatever exactly the poltergeist had said to Minerva had obviously left the poor woman inarticulate with rage so it was Flitwitck who choked out an affirmative while trying not to suffocate on the chaotic spirit's burst of flatulence.

**"Aww, nobody wants me...."** The Fat specter moaned.

"There will be no more sweets on the train if this is what it gets us." Severus muttered darkly before pinching his nostrils shut.

"It can't be helped," Dumbledore replied placing a gentle hand on his deputy's shoulder. "So many ecited youngsters, their magic, fertile imagination and emotions make such apparitons inevitable, the children can hardly be blamed. Now everyone, repeat after me..."

Moe trained transcendental scanners on the 'wizards' as it prepared to gather more data about their powers. Outwardly his shell had an expression of utmost concentration copied straight from Vernon Dursley, which meant the House Heads thought he was making rude faces at them and so they chanted the exorcism spell with greater determination.

It went, "_Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis diabolica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica, in nomine et virtute eradicare et effugare_..." And the five magic users chanted in unison causing a cage of blue light to surround the the alarmed looking poltergeist. Finally the spell ended with a loud rendition the words, **"Exorcizamus Eradico!"**

The cage of light seemed to shrink into a small blue dot that vanished with a loud and obnoxious, -!-

There was a displacement of air and a fading ghostly voice stuttered, "Th-that's-th-that's-yebu-th-that's-th-that's-yeba th-that's all folks..."

"Good Riddance!" McGonagall sniffed, before regretting it instantly as she inhaled a flagrant stench, spluttering in disgust, the witch stormed away as fast has her walking stick would allow.

The other teacher's made their way back to the castle not noticing the beady pair of eyes watching them from the shadows.

**"Heh-heh-heh-heh..."**

* * *

That night, Harry spent his time talking with his housemates until a prefect came up and put out the lights. After drawing his curtains shut, the young boy opened his trunk and stepped inside. Within the trunk was a vast extradimensional room, or rather a suite of rooms. Harry made his way past his lab into the private bedchamber that he had slept in ever since meeting Washu.

He spent some time composing a letter to his sensei, before walking over to the old army cot, incongruous in the middle of the room, and laid himself to rest.

He had alot to think about, but strangely, sleep came on swift and silent wings...

* * *

**AN: The document editor on this thing screwed me over let me know if there are any blatant text problems. Read and Review**


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